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By Lesli Bales-Sherrod
UMConnection Correspondent

Losing a loved one is always difficult, but losing a loved one to murder is even more so. It is considered "complicated grief."

Hope Counseling, part of the Conference's larger Hope for the City initiative in Baltimore, is linking loved ones left behind by homicide to counseling that can help them heal and is picking up the tab.

"We don't want to replicate services; we want to partner with existing services," said Dr. Deborah G. Haskins, director of Hope Counseling and one of four licensed clinical professional counselors on the Hope Counseling team. "And it's a blessing (for those grieving) not to be burdened with finances because homicide may impact them financially, too, with the funeral, burial and other expenses, especially if they have to become responsible for other family members."

Haskins already was busy as an affiliate professor of psychology and director of undergraduate and graduate field education at Loyola College in Maryland, when she was approached by the Rev. Eugene Matthews in fall 2007 about heading up this new ministry.

"I told him I was going to pray about it, but I was pretty sure my answer was yes," Haskins remembered. "I just can't say no to God for something like this, a wonderful opportunity to provide some healing to folks."

The issue struck close to home - close to Haskins' home, that is. Born and raised in Baltimore and a product of its public school system, Haskins describes herself as a "proud Baltimorian." But she also had been "crying out" to God about the city's murder rate - 282 homicides in 2007 compared to 181 in D.C.

"Up until the last year or so, the newspaper had a daily count, and everyday you'd see the count," Haskins said. She found herself wrestling with questions such as: "OK, Lord, when is this going to stop?" "What are we going to do as a city?" "What are we going to do as a church to help?"

Hope Counseling has provided an answer to that last question. When a loved one of a homicide victim contacts any of the Hope Counseling team members, the team member gathers information that helps determine which counselors or counseling services would be a good match and then calls the person back with a conveniently located referral.

"It is a confidential process," Haskins stressed. "That information does not get shared except between the team member and the counselor the loved one is being linked to."

It is up to those seeking help to follow through with making an appointment for counseling, but Hope Counseling team members follow up to see how it went. "We want to make sure people get linked," Haskins said. "When you are struggling, you can be ambivalent."

Although some Hope Counseling's partners provide their services for free, any counselors who charge send their invoices to Hope Counseling, sparing those grieving additional financial strain.

The challenge at this point is a public relations one, Haskins said. "We have to let people know we're here. We know there's a need. People are dying every day."

Hope Counseling has sent information to funeral homes, recreation centers, schools, and trauma units, and United Methodist pastors in Baltimore, Haskins said. Hospital chaplains and pastors of churches of other denominations are next on the list.

It's important for everyone to know about Hope Counseling, she added, so that they can respond when they know a person in their church or community is hurting.

"People typically don't call on their own," Haskins noted. "Usually someone who cares about them goes to them and says, ‘I care about you. I'm concerned about you.'"

It can be a challenge, she admitted, to get people to talk to a counselor for reasons varying from how they have been socialized by their families or cultures to the stigma surrounding mental health. "People who are grieving are very vulnerable, and it is difficult for them to expose themselves to a stranger," Haskins said.

But counseling can help, she added, by allowing the grieving person "to talk to someone who can be objective, who won't judge, who won't speed the process along, who won't ask, ‘Why are you still wearing your loved one's clothing? Why haven't you cleaned out his room? Why do you still have that picture up?'"

Healing takes time, and Haskins has seen it first hand.

When her husband, the Rev. Bruce Haskins, was pastoring Queens Chapel UMC in Beltsville, she facilitated what was supposed to be a two-week grief support workshop. The workshop went on monthly for four years.

"And that wasn't even homicide," Haskins noted. "That's how long it sometimes can take."

Haskins knows that people often are uncomfortable around loss, especially if the loss was a violent one, but "people need people on this grief journey with them." Haskins feels blessed that she can be one of them.

"For me, it's deepened my call. Knowing God has called me to use my gifts to help people when they are in pain is a confirmation of why I got my degree back in '84," Haskins said. "Every time we make a contact, it feels good to know that you can play an important role in the process of getting a person some healing and hope."

For more information about Hope Counseling, visit www.bwcumc.org/microsites/c/counseling , where you can download a brochure. You can also visit the Hope for the City page and read about the Stories of Hope.