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By Erik Alsgaard

My friend Tim called the other day, upset that General Conference is moving from Richmond, Va., to Tampa, Fla., for its 2012 session. He wanted to know why.

I told him it had to do with being sensitive to the fact that the Richmond minor league baseball team was named the 'Braves,' and that this was offensive to Native Americans.

Whereupon Tim, being a student of professional and collegiate sport, said, 'Has the committee NOT heard of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays (of major league baseball)? So it?s okay NOT to play in a place with a team name offensive to Native Americans, but it IS okay to play in a city that pays homage to the devil?'

I had no answer.

Whereupon we began to search for other locations for the committee to consider for the 2012 General Conference, assuming they come to their senses and realize their mistake of moving to Tampa.

'New Orleans would be good,' said Tim. 'They?re recovering from Katrina, they?re in need of a good shot in the arm, and besides, they have the Saints (football team).'

'Yeah, but they also have the French Quarter and Bourbon Street,' I said. 'I thought we were against drinking beverage alcohol?'

Scratch that idea.

'How about Anaheim?' I said. 'They have the Angels (major league baseball).'

'Nope,' said Tim. 'They also have the Mighty Ducks (hockey) and that might be offensive to the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.'

Hmmm?good point. Characterizing animals to only point out their aggressive side could be seen as being unfair to animals.

'San Diego,' he said. 'Home of the Padres (baseball).'

Too patriarchal, I said.

'St. Paul, Minnesota,' said Tim. 'They have a minor league baseball team there called the Saints.'

'Too small,' I said. 'Remember, this is General Conference we?re talking about. More than 2,000 people attend. We gotta think big.'

'New York!' said Tim. 'All we got there are Yankees (baseball), Mets (baseball), Jets (football), Giants (football), Rangers (hockey), Islanders (hockey), Knicks (basketball) and Nets (basketball).'

'Not to mention ego-maniacs like George Steinbrenner and Donald Trump,' I said. 'Besides, it?s too expensive.'

Suburban New York would be out of the question, too, said Tim, thanks to the hockey team across the river from New York, the New Jersey Devils.

'Chicago?' Tim asked, sounding frustrated. 'Bears (football), Cubs (baseball)?'

His voice dropped off.

'Animal rights. Forget it.'

Our conversation continued. We eliminated just about every city we could think of. St. Louis? Animal rights (Cardinals ? baseball team). Louisville? Ditto (Cardinals). Indianapolis? Nope; minor league team has the same name as the Cleveland major league baseball team ? the Indians.

Denver? Not with the Broncos (football) playing there. Pittsburgh? Penguins (animal rights) and Steelers (as in 'thou shalt not') prevent that one.

Maybe Miami would do it, suggested Tim. But just as quickly, we dismissed it. I mean, who wants to meet in a city that glorifies natural disasters (Hurricanes ? college football) and upsets PETA (Dolphins ? pro football)?

Orlando? The home of squeaky-clean Disney World? Nope. 'They have the Magic (basketball) and you know what the Bible teaches about those who practice that craft,' said Tim.

Washington, D.C.? 'No way,' we agreed almost instantly. Redskins (football) is a totally offensive name.

Baltimore? Ravens (football) and Orioles (baseball) upset the PETA people.

Los Angeles? Could be, I said. 'Large city; expensive though.'

'And a city with the Dodgers (baseball),' said Tim. 'Do we really want to advocate people start trolley dodging? That?s where they got their name, from a practice people did just to cross the street in Brooklyn in the good old days. I don?t think so.'

Sacramento? 'Home of the Kings (basketball),' I said. 'Too paternalistic.'

Fort Worth!

'Now,' Tim said, 'there?s a city we can go to.'

'Yeah, we are; in 2008,' I said. 'We can?t go back there for another 20 years.'

Back to the drawing board.

Philadelphia? Not with the Eagles (football). Detroit? Lions (football) and Tigers (baseball) and Red Wings (hockey), oh my!

Cincinnati? Not with the Reds (baseball) promoting communism and the Bengals (football) upsetting PETA.

Boston? Red Sox (baseball) and Bruins (hockey) put the stop to this choice.

Portland, Oregon? Nope. Beavers (minor league baseball).

'Well,' I said, 'how ?bout Houston? What could be wrong with Houston? They have the Astros (baseball) and Rockets (basketball) ? both of those are politically correct, neutral Melba toast.'

'Yeah, but Houston also glorifies war,' said Tim. 'Aeros (minor league hockey). Their logo is a jet fighter.'

Houston, we have a problem.