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BY MELISSA LAUBER
UMCONNECTION STAFF

Difficult people - every church has them. They're the ones that resist change, drain energy from meetings and try to confront, control, collude and coerce to push their own agenda through.

Difficult people make church hard. But this doesn't have to be the case.

The Baltimore-Washington Conference Christian Educators Fellowship met recently to learn how to deal with difficult people so that ministry can flourish.

In a presentation led by the Rev. Karin Walker, superintendent of the Baltimore Metropolitan District and a nationally recognized "peace builder," the educators quickly determined that difficult people can not be changed.

"But we can change our response to them," the educators agreed.

This approach utilizes "systems theory," said Walker, who explained that when you change one piece of a system, the whole system changes. "When you change your response, it changes the whole system."

In a series of role-playing exercises the educators learned that there are four key ways of responding to difficult people in church settings, and four alternatives to these responses that can transform a situation.

They are:

• The Warrior Approach prompts us to confront the difficult person, ready for battle and eager to prove them wrong. A more healthy approach, said Walker, is to become a peace builder.
• The Martyr Approach encourages us to roll over, acknowledging the supremacy of the difficult person and apologizing with unbounded sympathy. The healthy alternative to the martyr is the caregiver.
• The Worrier Approach brings increased anxiety to the situation as one stirs up worry, doubts and fear, often bringing additional people into the confrontation. The healthier approach is to assume the role "the non-anxious presence," Walker said.
• The Avoider Approach thrives on negative assumptions and allows us to build boundaries to isolate ourselves from people who are emotionally draining to us. The healthier response is to become an embracer, someone who is appreciative of the people and situations around them.

"In these negative approaches, the focus is on you," Walker said. "In the transformative response, it's not about you; it's about them. This is an opportunity to put the other at the center."

When addressing conflict, Walker advised using some of the concepts of Appreciative Inquiry, a process which focuses and builds on what churches, groups and people do well.

Focusing on 1 Thessalonians 5:12, Walker advised the educators that "there are ways we can be firm in who we are. It starts with the appreciative, at what's excellent," she said. "Don't let those who will be stumbling blocks get in the way of what might be good. God has a plan; we need to count on that and stand firm and fast."